crocodiles climb out of an ancient river to devour people

The crocodiles and the nuclear power plant

Sorry about the Fox news video, but they were the ones breaking this story, oddly enough. If you watch the video you’ll see a story about how a nuke plant in Florida has become a shelter for rare American crocodiles (note these are not the much more common alligators.) Turns out the waterways and high security around the plant make for a perfect breeding ground for the burgeoning crocodile population. That’s cool. They even claim the crocs aren’t radioactive, for those of you already imaging the amazing potential of hundreds of radioactive crocodiles sweeping across Florida. Wow, maybe we should start a GoFundMe to get this thing off the ground.

We could select a certain segment of this AmCroc population for radiating (once they get safely out of the “threatened” category) and set them apart from the normal croc population. We get them all good and mutated, maybe with laser eyes, and then have a barrier “accident” loosely inspired by either Jurassic Park or Godzilla(2014). They bust loose and with a little luck their rampage sets much of Florida back to primordial status. In a few years, someone could make a History channel show called “Florida Man vs. Rad Crocs” and look back with reverence on how nature points out the folly of man, again and again.

What about all the innocent people caught up in this righteous wave of glowing AmCroc fury? A solid question, but that is easily avoided by have a social media campaign targeted to those who we don’t want to be on the business end of a Rad Croc. In conjunction we could get a story going about how democrats and environmentalists are warning about the dangers of Rad Crocs running rampant in Florida. The red hat set would use their awesome critical skills and see this for the ploy it surely is — an attempt to drive them out of the areas most at risk for Rad Croc attacks.

You see the beauty in this, right?

I’ll admit that there is a grey area in this regarding ethical treatment of animals. As a lover of crocs, I feel this acutely. However, you have to remember we aren’t running over them with pick-ups or turning them into shoes or whatever. No, we are giving them an evolutionary kickstart that will allow them to restore an order that existed before mechanization decimated their numbers. We are finally saying, “Hey there, crocodile friends, let’s get you back to those wonderful marshlands you really deserve.”

I hear someone piping up about these Rad Crocs will get too strong and wipe out the entire ecosystem. To this I say, consider Florida Man. As soon as the Rad Crocs are loose, everyone with a rifle, shotgun or compound bow will be rushing in to “Git a ‘gator (sic)” (I’m making the souvenir t-shirts now.) There will be a constant stream of impossible to ignore prey getting all the Rad Croc love and scaring every other animal out of the area. This one just sorts itself out.

So, yeah, keep your eyes peeled for the Rad Crocs 2020 GoFundMe. Happening soon!