I am going to talk to you about the movie Panzer.
But first, well, how the hollee shitsickle are you all doing?
That’s right, it is none other than your favorite supernatural force of cinematic sophistication back from, well, I’ve been back from the dead for damn near fifty years now. I guess you would have to say I’ve been taking a extended vacation, but it wasn’t all by choice. I mean they’ve been talking about turning my beloved haunt into a community center, a governmental office, and a park building. They’ve never once taken my opinions into account even though I have let them know in many ways how exactly I feel about it. Anyway, the short of it is that they no longer have any films here for me to offer my wise opinions about.
Until now! One of my longtime fans has been kind enough to leave care packages full of Dollar Store DVDs on my dusty doorstep. They even left me a DVD player and one of them television sets to watch them on. Now, it ain’t the full movie theater experience, but I can’t complain. Sure as shit beats watch the termite sitcom that’s been my entertainment for the last ten years. Except, of course, the occasional “explorer” that I get to scare the hot shit out of but that is a very rare treat. That shit is like ghost Christmas.
Enough of the god damned pre-amble. Today’s subject of careful critique is a horror film from way back in 2013 called Panzer or Panzer Chocolate. You may be given to thinking this film is about a demon-possessed tank or perhaps a haunted chocolatier. No, it is neither of these. It does feature a few Nazi’s and plenty of that old standby fodder for b-grade horror films the Nazi pursuit of occult secrets.
Well, now, this one is set in 2016 and not 1936, 1944, or 1973, so there’s isn’t any wartime action. This particular iteration concerns a small group of svelte and sexy college students whose research expedition leads them afoul of a cult and the ancient Thule horrors they keep as pets. Okay, I made the last part up. Sort of. Spoiler!
Near as I can tell, this started its life as an art horror script that was earnest in its exploration of the longevity of Nazi occultism, that was then bought by a small studio with enough money to buy out the poor screenwriter and add enough “special spices” to make this a first rate schlock casserole. By special spices, I mean boobs and gore, of course. Don’t get me wrong, both the boobs and the gore are plenty respectable and this old phantasm will take whatever sightings of the wonders of nature he can get, you see. What I am saying is that this is not what you would call art. Goddammit there goes another spoiler.
Another special spice is that this here DVD is supposed to be interactive and be viewed while interacting with an “App”. I gather from context that this “App” is something you somehow use on your phone, which I gather, is something that people manage to carry in their pockets all the damn time nowadays. I guess the idea here is one screen isn’t enough and you can watch the movie on one of them and dick around with the movie on the other one. Call me old-fashioned, but isn’t the whole point of a good movie to distract you from everything else going on around you? I don’t have one of the smarty pants phones, so I can’t tell you any more than that.
I have no use for money, but I will tell you that at the time of my passing into this great and wonderful eternal bliss a one dollar bill had considerably more to offer than it does these days. I gather candy bars and bottled water costs more than one dollar, so by that yardstick I should say I probably got a dollar’s value out of Panzer. Yes, Panzer is as good or better than the satisfaction I can recall feeling whilst chewing on a Clark Bar after a long day of mopping the floors and peeling gum off of the seats of my beloved cinematic temple. Life is truly wasted on the living.
Until next time, respect the cinema.
Written in the year of our Lord 2021.